My Heart's Refrain

2010-03-25T12:10:00.004+08:00

I didnt think I would make a comeback with this post. But there is a need for me to voice out my thoughts and there's no better place than here.

Today, I have come to realize that my greatest downfall is always trying to put others before me. It happens all the time and I will always get the crap in the end. I've learnt that no matter how much an effort you put in to do something to help someone, time makes ppl forget.

All I need is a little appreciation and respect. I hate being the one having to answer to ppl when plans dont go right because I dont own anybody an explanation as I helped out of favour and not because I am obligated to do so. I hate getting accused of being bossy just because I push ppl to put in the same effort as I do when we are doing something together. I hate getting scolded over somebody else mistakes or behaviour because if it's their mistake, why do I have to be the one shouldering it. But above all, I hate it when I asked for help and not being received the same way I would have given if that person asked me for helped.

So today, I remind myself from tomorrow onwards, I need to be selfish and put myself first everyone else. I'm done with helping and doing things for ppl who doesnt appreciate.

Mentally drained with school and life. And as much as school sucks, at least, I can run away to different places and have my own alone time whenever I feel like it. But for life, there is no place to run because no matter where you try to go, you'll just be back at the same point.

2010-01-04T23:45:00.002+08:00

I realize I need to find my inspiration back. I'm not only talking about the inspiration to write but rather in general, like for school and pretty much everything else. It got lost somewhere along the way and refuses to come back.

I guess that pretty much sums up why I have been feeling so withdrawn this whole time.

2009-11-12T10:07:00.002+08:00

There is so much that is running on my thoughts right now. But I'm lacking the energy and courage to start writing for I fear the outbreak of emotions that I have been containing inside me. Till I find that strength.

I'm gonna be so strong for my two younger sisters and mama. I promise.

2009-11-03T17:17:00.002+08:00

I pray for you to be more responsible.

If you could see that tears that drop from his eyes then probably you will understand how hard it is for all of us.

Just because I like to end it with 13

2009-11-03T14:17:00.003+08:00

1) Projects are finally done which only means exams are nearing.
2) I have massive eye bags forming thanks to late nights.
3) I feel tired all the time which could probably due to the amount of pressure I'm facing or the lack of exercise.
4) My hair sucks big time because its flat and frumpy and oily.
5) My face has erupted in massive amount of pimples which screams squeeze me.
6) All I do is eat, eat and eat and cramp myself inside my tiny room.
7) I find myself lagging quite behind in studies despite my attempts to catch up on it.
8) This financial crises is killing me and I have never been so broke in my entire life before.
9) I skip classes whenever I can because going means spending on transportation fee and food.
10) I'm in debt and my small amount of workpay is late again for god knows how many times.
11) I've been cut away from all contacts for a while now because I couldnt keep my line due to lack of payments.
12) It sucks to be a student but what sucks more is to be broke.
13) And I just thank my lucky stars that I got no boyfriend to add on to my problems on this troubled list. :D

2009-10-29T14:46:00.003+08:00

Things seemed to be beyond my reach these days. Why is that, the more effort I try to put in, the worst everything seems to get. Am I just plain stupid? And am I being whiny? Should I just shut up and realise I do have limits?

Honestly, I'm tired. Real tired. I dont even know what I want anymore.

2009-10-25T00:59:00.004+08:00

I'm not saying I am perfect because it is so obvious I am not but at least I do know where my priorities are. I do know what has to come first and I do know which is of more importance to me.

I don't think I need to be compared to others because I believe I have my own strength. Neither do I think anyone with the exception of god and my parents has any right to judge me.

My personal life is not written on my facial expression neither is it shown through my body language. Does smiling often means that I am not stressed up? Does looking so relax means I do not have many things on my hands? Or does showing that I am happy means everything in my life is going on perfectly?

So here's the deal. I havent been out or met my friends(from different cliques) for two years or more. My days are burned either in school, work or at home mugging. My free time are passed rushing for projects which never seems to end. My last movie was in July and the only time I go out is when my parents ask me out for dinner/lunch or to get things for my nephew or when I need to get stuff for school. And my family and I have been through a rollercoster ride this past few months.

So I guess if that is relax, then I must say you are right.

Love

2009-10-05T21:22:00.017+08:00

I was planning to write about turning 24 but as I was writing, the focus and direction shifted. But I guess this is more worth writing and reading.

The stars come out each night
And when the dark meets the light
He kiss the moon goodnight

A new day comes around
A new life born
A new beginning has just began

Something about you
That words cant fully describe
How you make me all warm and fuzzy inside

The way you move
And the way you look
It's like a scenery that changes with time

And when your little fingers curled against mine
I can feel the summer breeze
That's when I know your world's at ease

Only the earth and sky can vouch for me
The happiness I get when our hearts combine

For it's only you, I come alive
And I know I will love you
Forever, now and until the end of time.

Dear Razim,

You are probably too young to even understand what I am saying but I'm gonna say it anyway and someday when you are older you will see this again. You are the best birthday gift I ever received in my life. Although you came out earlier, ten is only the number of days which separates us. I don't think I have ever felt this kind of happiness and love before. I thank you for giving me this opportunity. You are a part of my life now and I will do everything that is in my guts to protect and love you with all my heart. I promise I will. I promise I do. Till I meet you again my little one, you will be in my heart. Always.

2009-09-23T00:02:00.005+08:00

Sometimes when life is going so well, we tend to give credit to ourself. We forget about HIM. We forget to make HIM a part of our happiness. We forget to ask HIM for help and we forget to share all of our joy with HIM when it rightfully belong to HIM.

Only when life takes a turn for the worst, you start remembering HIM. You start remembering to make HIM part of you and you start remembering to ask him for help.

2009-09-13T00:57:00.002+08:00

I really want to buy the The Time Traveler's Wife book but I'm broke and have no cash to spare to get a brand new one. So I went online into sg_bookexchange to check if anyone is selling it at a cheaper price since they sell it on second hand. But sadly the price is still a bit pricy for a second hand book. =(

2009-09-09T01:08:00.006+08:00

It's a little like restless..
From all that kicking and tossing and no matter what you do, you cant seem to find a spot to fall asleep..

It's a little like frustration..
The kind where you feel like screaming your heart out but when you open your mouth, your voice seems to disappear..

It's a little like self doubt..
When you feel everything will work just fine but when it hits you, it hits you real hard causing difficulty in breathing which leaves you thinking if you will ever make it through..

It's a little like dissappointment..
To see the life of promises, dreams and ideals you painted in your head so beautifully, crashed by the series of events in this hard cold world..

It's a little like losing..
Like keeping your faith and hope but you waver and wonder if it is always going to be this way.

The Sky

2009-08-14T15:30:00.011+08:00

It's been two weeks I think since I last wrote. That is like a decade in the blogging world. I remembered promising myself to write more frequently. But I guess in that sense, I fail to keep my own promise.

All this while, I have finally come to terms that it's ok not to be perfect. We dont always need to be perfect because sometimes imperfection is perfection.

I love the sky
For it is big and wide
It never gets too old staring
As it changes every single minute of the day

I love the sky
For the companion it brings me
When I want to be alone
I just have to look away
But when I need someone
I just have to look up
And it will be there
Every minute every day

2009-07-28T19:58:00.000+08:00

If woman can help man in terms of finances by having to go out to work then why cant the man help lay a finger when it comes to housework?

As much as I take great pride in being a woman, sometimes I wish I was a man. Because then, I can get away with everything. Woman are always at the losing end of each deal and I ~~fucking~~ hate it.

2009-07-23T21:08:00.002+08:00

There are many thoughts running in my mind but somehow the urge to write something is missing. Hence, I find it hard to manifest any ideas into words which explains the lack of entries.

I have been sorting myself out all this time. Till then, this will end here.

Mysterious Energy

2009-07-17T05:42:00.001+08:00

It's 5.43am and I havent catch a wink yet. Where is all this mysterious energy coming from?

Faith

2009-07-13T01:06:00.003+08:00

I prayed to him to take away all of my joy I was feeling because it rightfully belonged to him. I prayed to him to give me and everyone else the strength to go through what comes may.

The last few days has been a rollercoaster ride. For both me and family. I can never understand human and the way they work. I don't want to be saying too much because I don't even think I'm allowed to. Let me keep my opinions to myself and let faith alone work its way through this period.

I believe in him more than I ever believe in him and I remember him more than I ever remember him.

Transformers

2009-07-07T23:20:00.008+08:00

My first movie after 5 months. I can't even begin to describe how freaking good it was. I'm pretty sure everyone who has seen it, has a review or an opinion on it so I'm not going to go into that one.

The whole transformers have been hyped on the transformation of the robots, the explosion, Decepticons vs Autobots, Micheal Bay, US Army Force and Megan Fox. And mind you she was fucking hot. Pardon the word because I couldnt find a better one to emphazises how hot and sexy she was.

But behind all the hype, somehow I think we forgot about Shia. Shia Labeouf. He wasn't the typical leading actor kind of material. All buff or big. Probably one of the reasons why I think he got overshadowed by all the hype that was going around in the movie. To be honest, I forgot all about him until I saw the movie. He reminded me that the movie couldnt have been a huge success without him. And as the movie progress, I begin to find myself liking him more. Not that I didnt like his acting in the first movie or anything. Because I do but it's just that this time I found a new level of admiration for him as an actor.

Then, I started youtubing on him and watched many video interviews of him. Can I just say the way he handles interview, the approach he uses, the answers he gives. Not many actors have that kind of ability. A great sense of humour injected with intelligence.

Photo credits: movies.yahoo.com

I dont know what he wants

2009-07-03T15:05:00.004+08:00

I'm just rambling now, so don't mind me.

I was told to design a logo for the website. And so I did. I design the first one, he told me it was nice however he wanted something simpler. And so I did. I designed the second one, he told me it was near to what he wanted and told me to make some changes. And when I changed according to his instructions, the logo turn out way different from the original and it's totally ugly.

Reasons for changes. Didnt want the company name there because url of the company might change. Didnt want the tagline to be too outstanding because right now they want to build their brand and make the graphics stand out. Didnt want tagline to take too much attention from the image. Didnt want a static tagline and told me to change it to a dynamic one so easier to change in future.

And here I thought that all the above reasons he gave was important in a logo. And I thought once you decide on a mantra for your company, you stick to it. Because base on my opinion alone, if you keep changing then they wont be any focus or direction. I want to think I know what I'm talking about because I have work very closely with my boss last time in opening a subsidary company in which he put me in charge of all design materials for that company. Logo design was one of them.

So honestly I hate the current look of the logo according to his changes. Shall see how I can tweak it to make it nicer.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

2009-07-01T22:06:00.002+08:00

I bought two new books today and finished them in a few hours. It's hilarious and got every single muscles in me laughing. I usually like reading books that can get me all soaked up with emotions and shed a tear or two. Although this two books are far from that, it shall still go down in my list of favourite books. Go get yourself a copy and read it!!

Random

2009-06-30T23:22:00.004+08:00

After 3 years, I finally decided to bring some changes to my blog. Just a header I designed, nothing too drastic.

I just finished writing something but just when I was about to press the button, I decided against it. Had I followed my raging emotions when it happened, I wouldnt have given a second thought about it. But I guess until something trigger that, that post shall remain hidden.

For now, I'm feeling at peace with myself. It's been sometime since I feel this way. I pray to God that this feeling stays for a long time.

People

2009-06-22T15:34:00.006+08:00

As we grow older, we tend to turn to validation. We listen to people to define us and take great pride in their definations. You feel beautiful only when someone feel you are. You think you are smart only when someone thought you are. And brave only when someone believe you are. And as the days passed, without realising, you lose yourself to these validations. It made you believe to feel good about yourself but in actual fact you only feel worst because you find youself coming to them for more. What we often forgot is that no one is able to know you, love you, feel you, hold you, the way only you know you can. We don't need these people. God made everyone beautiful and this includes you.

Today, I clicked on the archives on my blog. When I read back at the things I have wrote, I find that a lot of these entries are written with deep thoughts where I ponder about everything ever possible. I guess that's probably the reason why more than often I find people asking if I am depressed or if I am unhappy or if everything is fine. True, these writings rely heavily on my emotions however this are my moments when I recognize them and get over it. But it doesnt mean I am pessimistic or negative. I guess because these entries are a bit more on the reflective side, it often catches people the wrong way.

It's strange isnt it. How we are often expected to behave a certain way around people due to the expectation they create of you. And it's even more strange how we have to live up to that. And when you don't, they think you have changed or you are not being yourself. My take is to stay to your true self and not that somebody conjured by people. There might be consequences but I would take my chances on them. Anytime, anywhere, at anyplace...

Naz, I have been everywhere except around friends. Trust me, you guys are not the only ones. I am working on that though. One step at a time.

In a circle

2009-06-14T21:39:00.011+08:00

I guess this time now, it is my time. Time to let this crazy mind flow and see where this will take me to. Like always.

Relationship. No, not those love ones involving a guy. Rather just the word in general. I'm trying to hold to as many as I can while I make many more. But tell me how do I even start to strengthen a bond which is worth of years in respect to my life and then be expected to start from square one in another? It's two worlds I'm talking about here now. Two worlds that I have been busy switching myself into. I dont think I give myself completely when I'm in either one. I'm never around much to be honest. I'm just there, trying to work on it all at the same time when I should take one step at a time.

Mood. I can have a great start to the day only to be bumped out by anything that could cut me off. I love being around people but at the same time I dont. Complicated? Yeah, that my middle name. I love having friends but there are also many times when I just want to be alone and be isolated by myself. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone on this. Everyone has their moments where we need our space every now and then. I just happen to be the someone who needs those moments a lot.

Question. Why is it so easy when you want to be alone but it's so hard when you don't want to be alone. Those time when you need your own space, all you have to do is 1) don't answer calls 2) ignore all texts or 3) hide in your room all locked up. It's easy as that. But the tricker part comes when we don't want to be alone? Where do I even begin? It's like you are stuck in between the two world, not knowing which direction to take. And the sad truth is the consequences of you wanting to be alone would have an effect on the chances of you having a company in future when you dont want to be alone. Yeah, go figure that out.

Time. I walk passed a playground on the way back home today and I saw two children playing on the see-saw. The thing about see-saw is you need someone to be on the other side. You can't be on it by yourself. Not unless you just want to be sitting on it and do nothing but stare at the empty seat in front of you. Back to the two children, they were playing happily on the see-saw when one of them got bored and got off. The other still wanting to play, sat there waiting for his friend who had ran away to do something else. A while later, the kid came back only to find his friend gone. I mean for real, who was he kidding and why would he even think his friend would be there waiting for him? I find myself in his position. I was the kid who left only to find myself in the position of the one who was waiting when I came back. So should I continue to stay or should I just go?

Communication. Why is it so hard to address or approach any touchy or unpleasant subjects to people whom you are close with. Why do I feel like more than often, I'm the only one trying to make the situation better and that my efforts are being reciprocated. Honestly if you don't want to communicate or try to put in the same amount of effort I put in to make the situation better then I think I am done with being the person having to sacrifice all the time. Do you even know how tiring it is to be the person who save everyone asses and try to be nice all the time. I'm only human who needs saving myself at times. So honestly, get off my back because I'm tired of you, tired of even trying when this should have been over ages ago.

Growth. Growth is probably the only thing that is constant in this world. Somehow that sentence summarize all I wanted to say about it. It's a bit sudden to end this way. But that's what growth is all about. The sudden moments which catches you off guard. So let's just let it stay this way. Well, for now at least.

One out of the many

2009-06-12T02:15:00.002+08:00

Just another writing out of the many I wrote ages ago. It's baby steps I'm taking here. To show the pieces I hold tightly to. If you can see the truth to my writings, then I say you have pretty much understood me.

Revolves

When your life revolves around a person
You built your entire world around him
You gave your heart, your soul,
your money, your everything
in exchange to be with him

Your pillar of strength and source of happiness
Comes from him
Your direction of life and dreams
Changes with him

Your faith lingers around him
Suddenly you become his shadow
And he becomes your body

Everything will seem perfect..
But when something goes wrong..
Like suddenly he drops out of the picture

Your whole life comes tumbling down
faster than the way you built it..
Your entire faith crashes
and you lose your direction..

Suddenly you don't know the person you are
You mob in despair
thinking that the whole world is against you
And nobody else cares

That's probably when you start realizing
how dependent you are on him

-21.04.08-

2009-06-11T02:07:00.004+08:00

It's 2am and I'm widely awake. Something is wrong with me. I'm so freaking tired but my eyes is not cooperating. It's the same old routine each day. I just cant seem to sleep and my attempt to sleep really early always backfire. I would just end up tossing and turning in the bed until I can see the sunlight entering my room. I think I'm ill or something and need to see a doctor because this has been happening for a few months.

Anyway since I can't sleep, I'm doing some research on something. I don't want to be talking too much about it though. Just hope it works out.

2009-06-08T22:13:00.004+08:00

Fyp has been fine so far. So far, my work scope has been managable and based on all the comments my prof has given me, he seems nice. "Sleeping 8 hours a day will give you the energy to work afresh the nextday. We are fighting a war (marathon), not battles, it is important to keep yourself fresh!". He sent that to everyone who was under his supervision but I havent met him in person though so I can't really say much. Fyp aside, this accounting subject I'm taking is killing me. I dont know what is happening and gut feeling is suggesting that I might flunk it. Too many rules and concepts that I have to squeeze into my small brain is just making me insane. Wednesday is the major paper and honestly I just cant wait for it to end.

Speaking of exams, I was studying the other day when big bro came and talk to me. He was saying how lucky I was because compared to many other parents, my parents have no expectation of me and the only expectation I have is the one I put myself to. He told me how unhealthy it is to just be stuck in my room and not do anything else but study. And he added that failing is nothing and I shouldnt be afraid of it.

About the parents part, I agree. But I am not afraid of failing. I'm just afraid that I am wasting money and my precious time which is the reason why I push myself even when I know my brain can't handle them. Honestly, I long stop caring about my grades but that doesnt mean I would just give up. Even if it means I know I will fail, I wouldn't stop at giving my best shot.

oh well, this weather is freaking hot and has definitely affects my studying.

Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow

2009-06-04T15:35:00.006+08:00

Yesterday,
All mistakes serves as memory to failure
Things have to happen for me grow
So allow me to let it go
but remind me not to forgo
Show me what I can do
So to improve
Then I can succeed
For today and tomorrow.

Today,
Give me the strength to encourage
The hope to create
A memory so beautiful for keepsake
So when tomorrow comes
I will remember you as yesterday

Tomorrow,
I pray I am nothing like yesterday
But more than what was today
Teach me to appreciate
To treasure for what come may
To anticipate your arrival
Because unlike yesterday and today
You come and just go.

-4.06.09

2009-06-03T22:11:00.004+08:00

she said it was so painful she almost wanted to give up. and then she said that before they could cut up her vagina to prevent tearing, the baby started to come out already, so her vagina tore. then they quickly cut it.

i can only imagine how painful it is. to carry a life for 9 months dealing with all sort of emotions and body changes. then come the life and death situation moment to get the baby out dealing with all kinds of pain from your vagina to every single part and nerves of your body. and not to mention after birth moments where you have to be in confinement for 40 days dealing with bathing once a day, eating all sort of medicines and not sleeping with a fan. there are definitely more to that but all this just make me realize how the guys always have it easier. shall just leave that topic for another day because i know i wont stop if i start on it.

3.3 kg i think. that's the weight of her baby. i have yet to see him but judging from photos he looks adorably cute and big. daddy says he looks like her but i dont know because i havent see him yet.

i'll come meet you little one when my time permits. for now, you will just have to wait patiently until september before another little friend come join you.

that would be big brother's one. and when that happens, i'm going to hear an almost similar experience from sis-in-law and scare myself about child-birth.

Finding something

2009-05-31T17:53:00.007+08:00

I have always talked about finding a passion or finding something I could say about myself. The fact is, I always had something in me. It has been there all along but I just failed to look at it because I didnt think it was something special or it was something I was good at. And when someone told me that it was special, I realize that the reason why I havent been able to find what I was looking for was because I have already found it.

You know those little stanzas and phrases when you combine them together people call them poem. I dont call mine poem because a poem is a work often in verse, usually dealing with emotional or descriptive subject in a rhythmic form. Mine is nothing of that sort. Mine is just a whole load of chuck written with my emotions. Which is the reason why I only write for myself and not for others because I know there are alot more better writers out there. The same reason how writing can make me feel so good about myself after each piece because of the amount of emotions I poured inside. The exact same reason why I rarely show my works to others for fear of it being judged.

And to have taken the step to show someone was a big deal to me because it simply means you have to listen to what they have to say about it. But I must say since then it has been encouraging. In fact, it got me inspired to dig my old journals to retrieve back some of my old works dated as back in the year 2000.

Flipping through the pages, I realised how a lot of them were about love, crushes and all those silly emotions you go through as a teenager. Halfway through it, I notice the sudden shift of direction to friendships and bonds forged. And then without any given signals or warning, the direction shifted to about finding a change, about finding a purpose and about finding myself.

With all that aside, I wrote something a few days back. Oh no, please don't think it's a good piece because I still don't think I am good at this or this is something special. But it's just a little something that I want to share. A little something written with my emotions. And I hope whoever reading this will be more forgiving on my unperfected piece.

Alone

I have watched many movies
But none of which I can remember the plot
I have listened to many songs
And none of which I could hum to the melody

I want to run away
As far as my feet can take me
Until my strength can hold no more
And when I fall and collapse
I want to be buried in the sand

I wish I was born alone
No family, No frens, Nobody,
No everyone except me

Just me and god
and my faith to fill between the spaces

Then I would be free
free from all commitments and responsibility

Free from all kinds of expectation
that others or I set to please

Honestly I'm tired
Tired of being around
Tired of having to be around
So would you just leave me alone, please

-27.05.09

My Potential

2009-05-30T00:10:00.004+08:00

8/20. Honestly, what I truly need to do now is to really sit down and review my studying method. The one I'm using now doesn't seem to work well for me. For the first time today after a long time I failed a test. No, I'm not sad. In fact, it's scary how calm I am knowing the perfectionist in me.

When I told my parents about it. They didnt say anything. Not the way I want them to react. I could sense a twinge of 'unexpectedness' because I guess they didnt expect it.

As a child, I have always pushed myself to the extreme limits in everything that I do. They never really had to bother too much about me studying or getting the grades. Passing was never a problem and failing was never in the list. Although each time, I say I might fail, I would end up acing or passing the subject. Which was why they never believed me when I say I am struggling with even passing now. So I guess when the news of how I failed reached their ears, it was probably too abrupt.

But no worries, my parents are cool people like that. In fact, mum didnt even approve of me continuing my studies for fear I study myself to death. While dad always seems to be telling me not to push myself too hard just to get the A's. To quote "Just get a Pass is good already".
While me, I'm learning to adjust myself to the current situation I am in. Don't worry because I am dealing with this failure way better that you can even imagine. In fact in the midst of all this failing, grades and school, I begin to discover where my real passion and potential is. Most definitely not as an Accountant or an Engineer. =)

When the body and mind disagree

2009-05-28T20:02:00.002+08:00

I hate feeling this way. It's like my mind is saying I need to be studying but my body and heart is telling me to heck care.

5 more chapters to revise before tmr's quiz. My mind is in a whirl now. What debit this account and credit this account and then there's the ten thousand million rules not forgetting formulae. I cant even think straight. I need to get on with my revision.

Nothing new

2009-05-23T15:39:00.009+08:00

I was writing about something and was half way done when I decided to go against it. No idea why, just don't feel like posting anything concrete at the moment. Just random and small talks this time aite.

Next week is quiz week and as usual I have a long way to go in covering the chapters. Nothing new. I thought I would be learning more since it's special sem but apparently schedule is so tight that everything is a rush and I don't think I learn anything. Nothing new. School fees for this special sem is coming and I'm honestly broke. Nothing new. I haven't paid my phone bills for 3 months because I'm short of cash and it got cut. Nothing new. I'm tired of working part-time which only pays me enough to buy my bus concession and a few meals every month. Nothing new. Haven't watch a movie for decades. Nothing new. Havent been going out with friends for decades. Nothing new. Haven't done something crazy and wild for decades. Nothing new. Apparently nothing's new. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get started on my tutorial. Nothing's new either.

What's new is I have a crush on someone. Yup, you heard me right. He's the one on the right. So adorable. lol. =)

2009-05-22T16:20:00.007+08:00

I have been acting weird lately. Being bitter and sad about a lot of things. This morning I woke up feeling disappointed with myself. I realize how time has made me a person who hates life and bitter about everything. Its funny to see signs of yourself becoming someone you dont want to be. So I have decided that I need a positive outlook and learn to quit sweating on the small stuff. Afterall, things happen for a good reason.

Someone text me just as I finished bathing informing me that exam results are out. And thats when the real test came.

As expected, I didnt do very well. But somehow, I feel more accomplished than ever. The sense of independence and accomplishment grows with every passing semester. Maybe because as the semester pass, I learn to be by myself and do things on my own without help from any of them. Projects and studying were all done by myself within my own capabilities. I knew the amount of effort I put in and even though it doesnt reflect on my results I could safely say I did gave my all.

Sometimes when we attain happiness we tend to give credit to ourself and forget about HIM. It's only when we hit the downturns then we start remembering. But here's a moment where I remembered about HIM and to be thankful regardless what.

2009-05-19T23:44:00.003+08:00

money is the root of all evil. it is for the same reasons that brings argument and so much unhappiness.

i hate money.

2009-05-19T16:54:00.007+08:00

I love connecting with people on an intellectual level. When I mean intellectual, I don't mean talking to someone who is academically inclined and talking about studies or grades or anything of that sort. What I mean is to hold a decent conversation and have this same level of understanding which you can relate or share your ideals with. In short, to connect on a deeper level.

To be able to share views, ideals, passion, experiences, opinion, to listen and be listened to.

I bump into an old friend in the train on the way to school. Super old friend that I can't even quite remember his name. I don't even remember talking that much to him during sch days so I was half expecting the ride to be a little bit akward.

But surprise surprise, that 50 mins together was one of the best conversations I had for pretty much a long time. I can't even believe how much there was to talk about. And funny how comfortable we were with each other presence. There wasn't even any moments where we were both silent. And then when it was time to part, for the first time I wished the train ride was longer for there was so much more to share.

No, we didn't exchange numbers. Because it doesnt work that way for me. He did asked for it but I didnt give it. Reason I gave: To meet and to leave when it's time to say goodbye. If we are meant to meet again then we will. I like it better this way.

And right before he alighted, he whispered with a laughter, "Major commitment issues you have there babe". I sat there laughing because I couldn't have agreed more. =)

2009-05-16T20:11:00.006+08:00

most of the time, we dont appreciate what we have. i admit i dont. as much as i bring myself to accept the conditions of my life, for most part of it, i wished for more. it's people like me they say, never learn how to appreciate, until i learn how to struggle.

as odd as this may sound, i want to be independent, to move somewhere where no form of help is easily reachable, to go broke, to experience having to starve, to strive for something i so badly want, to live each day with uncertainty, to climb every mountain only to leap with faith. to sleep at night thinking about what will happen tmr. and only after all that, i want to succeed.

dont get me wrong. i love my family more than anything that could ever comprehend. they are my pillar of strength and source of comfort. being a home girl, not having my parents around would be tortorous. not being able to talk to them is like taking my oxygen away.

but this brings me to the whole point of this entry. i know how crazy this sounds like. but i really dont want to make it in life without failing first. i want to be able to know what i have is what i started from scratch. i want to be able to see everything i have done in a better light even if it means; to begin in darkness.

to leave my things behind and build with my own blocks.
to find that inner peace i lost a long time ago

only then can i have a toast to my life.
not in desire to be successful but rather to be a success.

Mike Check, One. Two. Three.

2009-05-11T23:46:00.003+08:00

Time check: 11.47pm

We were given 5 super long questions on accounting today for our presentation on wednesday. Something about bank reconciliation and some inventory thingy. So the group decided tmr for a group discussion and I'm supposed to be attempting the questions plus a template for the presentation. Best part, I haven't started anything since I got back from school at 8pm and I havent got the mood to start doing. Feel like drinking some gas drink to stimulate my brain but there's nothing in the fridge. Feel like sleeping because I'm feeling tired but I will be screwed if I show up empty handed tmr because I'm the group leader. I guess it's a long night tonight unless I accidentally fall asleep on my bed.

Time check: 11.53pm

ok, I think I really need to go and start finding some inspiration.

2009-05-11T00:46:00.003+08:00

I want to think I am a simple person and it doesnt take a lot to make me happy.

All I want is to be able to make something out of my life. I'm bored of doing the same thing every single day. I'm tired with school and everything. I need something new that's been lacking in my life lately. I want to just do something totally crazy. Learn something new and different and be out of my comfort zone. To take risk and stop playing it safe. To pick my bag and just walk away from my life as I know it. To start from zero. To travel and see new places. Meet random strangers and leave them when it's time to say goodbye.

This wasnt what I envisioned when I started writing this, but whatever, it is still a post worthy.

2009-05-10T02:39:00.003+08:00

I'm a broken soul
All tattered and withered
With the lights of the past
Hauting and consuming me from within

I'm a broken child
whose dreams shatters
Shatter into million pieces
flying over the place

Nothing I could do
to salvage the pieces
But to watch it broken
before my very own eyes

2009-05-05T00:02:00.003+08:00

Major breakouts. Acne scars. Losing too much hair. Massive urging to snack leading to increase in kilos.

Every girl has their bimbotic moment. Kill me pls. thank god, my teeth is still intact.

2009-05-03T23:50:00.003+08:00

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Sweet. ty. il.

2009-05-01T00:44:00.003+08:00

been rotting the week away. eat, sleep, watch tv, surf net. seems like I have too much time on hand that I've been writing almost everyday.

oh well, this is just a temporary arrangement before sch starts again next week.

i'm thinking of doing a project. art, writing and creative. go figure.

hopefully laziness doesnt kick in and i get down doing.

.yana

2009-04-30T00:28:00.002+08:00

The crickets are loud today.

I can't sleep and I have no idea why. I'm worried about something but I'm not sure what.

My mind is constantly on the run. Not sure if that is good or bad.

I'm missing something and I know what.

2009-04-23T23:48:00.003+08:00

sch's done. well, at least for now.

and in a few hours time, i'm out of here. well, singapore to malaysia i mean. wld do my mind and soul good for a few days away from this place.

and oh did i mentioned i'm super exhausted and yet i refused to sleep. must be the mood of sch's done.

.yana

2009-04-18T23:13:00.010+08:00

i feel like writing so let see where this will take me..

i could probably start of with yesterday's paper where i blanked out probably due to too much studying on my part. it reminded me of the time where I blanked and wrote only 10 lines for a composition paper in secondary school which awarded me a "see me" remark on the paper. it was similar. i just blanked out, no explaination, no reasons to be given. honestly, there is nothing much I could do now except wait and see how everything goes.

the last few couple of months have been an inner struggle between my mind and soul. while, I have come to terms that life is not perfect often i find myself resentful, hurt and disappointed when things don't go the way i want. like you can work so hard for something, only to see how your hopes and dream shatters right before your eyes.

this shouldn't discourage me, right?

while, it is so easy to get angry and upset and blame everyone else; it is so difficult to see beyond that.

but i am a firm believer of faith and faith is everything for a matter of fact, happens for a reason. i believe we are gifted with the power to discover reasons among tragedy. blessed with the ability to decipher meaning through our trials and tribulations. something many people are oblivious to this gift.

you know when sometimes i tell people, "everything happens for a reason". many never truly believed me. they think it is a reason or just something i say to convince or comfort myself out of something. simply because all it ever does is to create hope that it will make sense one day.

but is that really a bad thing?

because without hope, there is nothing. hope is some power that allow things to happen because of some greater purpose. so why would you not want to hope? why do that to yourself. we are only eliminating the opportunity to grow. the chance to evolve, to be further shaped and molded into the beautiful people that you and i were created to be.

take a moment and let it all sink in.

i have been pondering about this the whole time today, putting off my studying time. i looked back at everything and i realise i have come a long way in achieving some of the goals i set for myself. though there are still many which i have yet to attain, i am contented to know i have begun on that journey. if only those moments where i feel the weakest, i see things the way i see it now, i could do away with all the sorrow i put myself into. but well, "things happen for a reason".

i really wish i could write more for there is so much more in my thoughts. but sadly at this moment time is not on my side. i know it's really an abrupt ending but i still have an upcoming paper in which i have a long way to go in terms of preparedness.

for that reason, i must part.
until the next writing..

i hope for everyone that they will have a day twice as beautiful as they are.

. yana

2009-04-11T18:17:00.002+08:00

It's the time of the semester which I hate most. Headache.

Adele

2009-04-10T13:07:00.004+08:00

I absolutely adore her. She's an inspiration to big girls out there; you don't need to be slim and small to make it big and successful. Oh and did I mentioned she has amazing unique vocals.

The last Lecture

2009-04-04T18:55:00.002+08:00

The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. - Randy Pausch

2009-04-02T22:11:00.005+08:00

There's so much you can take in one day.

There was the morning demo which I had a horrible scare when my project suddenly decide to ditch and hang me for a moment. I was frantically loading my backup project a few thousand times before it finally worked. But when it came to the presentation, I screwed it up pretty badly because certain features didnt work as it supposed to.

And then there was the sudden rain that came without warning and drenched me the moment I walked out of the lab. In which I walked to the nearest lift to go to the toilet after which when I walking along the runway, I forgot that my slippers were slippery and that the floor was wet and there I go with my bag on the floor and me in a somewhat akward position.

And there was the fyp allocation in which I was informed by a friend that I didnt get any allocation and the 2nd round selection was a first come first serve basis and it was opened. The best part was I just stepped in the mrt and my journey back home was about an hour close to two.

But the last straw was the little argument with the big one over scanning his photo when I was desperately attempting to select a project for fyp. And the list of projects left was horrible.

That's it. The weather is crazy, so am I.

And that crying was such a bimbotic moment.

2009-04-02T00:59:00.001+08:00

It says a lot doesn't it.

Chasing Pavements - Adele

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
if I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
i know this is love but,

If i tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And thats exactly what i need to do,
If i'm in love with you,

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place
should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Wait then as my heart drops,
and my back begins to tingle
finally could this be it

oh
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place
should i leave it there
?Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

yeah
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place
should i leave it there
?Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

O-oh
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

2009-03-30T01:55:00.002+08:00

I can't sleep and hence this entry at this timing.

There are loads going through my mind. Fyp list needs to be submitted tmr. And just like before, I gave up a place I wanted for a fren who also wanted it. It sucks because I could have just gone with what I wanted and disregard her feelings and our friendship but my own humanity stopped me.

Maybe that's why sometimes it's better to be a floater who drifts from clique to clique so you don't have to feel guilty or responsible in this kind of situation.

Shit.

2009-03-28T21:14:00.005+08:00

You know it's like this kind of emptiness inside of you and you just feel that everything is not going to work out. Honestly, take school away from me, I have nothing I can say I am doing or that define me as a person. Some people can claim they are a dancer while some can claim they are a pianist. While me, I don't even have an active social life, much less define who I am as a person.

And it is such a miserable and sucky feeling.

2009-03-26T19:06:00.008+08:00

I have always hated people asking about my results or grades or marks. If I want to tell you, I will tell you if not, don't bother asking because it is damn obvious I have no wish to tell you what my grades are. I have been like this since primary school, secondary school and poly. And this time in Uni, I don't see why I should be any different.

Look, I couldn't care much less about my grades now because honestly, as you get older, your priorities changes and when your priorities changes, your expectation and attitude changes. Getting an A is as equivalent to me as getting a B or a C and honestly not of a big deal. Because at the end of the day, it's just a freaking alphabet. As long as you know how much effort you have put inside, that is all that matters in my eyes. Sadly, I don't think my peers in school feel that way, I extremely hate the constant competitiveness and the wanting to outdo each other atmosphere. The judging of the level of intelligence by your grades is completely absurb and I honestly can't stand it. I honestly believe that everyone has their own strength and doesn't mean you do better in this area of field determines you would be good in everything. Everyone has their own areas of achievement and it disgust me how people judge you through your results.

I know, I am just whinning about school. Nothing's new I suppose. What's new is that grades are no longer a source of happiness or satisfaction to me.

On the other side, it's been 11 years since she left. I still quite clearly remembered how she looked like that day, that smile that gave me comfort each time I missed her. She taught me what love was all about. Love for your husband, love for your kids, love for your grandchildren and love the people around you. I could never even reach half of the love she had for others. Thats why to me she was the greatest. I love her and yes, I do miss her from time to time. And I'm sure everyone else who crosses her path does.

2009-03-25T16:06:00.002+08:00

Dear Motivation
Why are you always going away and leaving me all by myself? Don't you know I get terribly lonely when you are not around. Just when I desperately needed your company, you choose to leave. Where did you go? Please come back because I am terribly missing you.

Dear Distraction
Why are you always around? Do you know how painful it is to have you by my side 24hrs. It's killing me because I don't think I need you especially at this moment. You're an influence to begin with and a nightmare to everyone's progress. I seriously hope sometimes you would give me a breather and leave me alone.

2009-03-22T23:31:00.004+08:00

The world leaves you with very little room for regrets.

Those living in regret finds themselves falling way back behind the queue with the unablility to move on...
Only to find out that the only way to move is to look forward and to stop having regrets..

Dang it

2009-03-14T17:34:00.002+08:00

I didnt think I would ever find myself saying this..

But honestly, I cant wait for school to end. 3 more semester(if I never fail any subject) and I am done with it. Seriously lar, school's no longer fun. It's becoming draggy and annoying. I on the other hand, seems to be losing all the motivation and interest I once had. It's competitive and uninteresting because everyone just seems to be chasing after that grade that it comes to a point where it's not about learning at your own pace but rather to be in that race with everyone else. I totally hate the system and the way they run it. It's definately not for someone like me and has definitely made me more easily tempremental and irritable.

But then after school, then there's the working environment which I even hate more. So honestly, as much as I can't wait for school to end, I dont want it to end either because I dont want to be stuck in the working world. I'm such a fickle and undecisive person, yes I know, don't remind me.

Dang it, I hate feeling like this. Not knowing where to go and where's your purpose. But I know everyone goes through this. While some never got to find their purpose, some lucky ones find theirs. Alright, I'm just rambling some rubbish. I need to go study on those stupid filters and sampling frequency and timer thingy. Yucks.

On the other hand, she left us for good a week ago. Strangely it felt like a small part of me left with her. But I know she would be happier there. I love you babygirl. Till we meet =)

2009-03-05T16:58:00.002+08:00

I have decided. From now on, it's all going to be about putting myself first. I'm going to stop trying so hard to understand and care and bother about others.

It's not worth it.

The truth is...

2009-02-24T20:55:00.004+08:00

I have been writing less.

Where there were many entries that remain unpublished in this blog, at least I was writing. But looking at my inbox, the last few months there was barely two writings each month. And that is bad. Because writing is a form of expression and relaxation for me. I may not have the best grade for english but I love to write. I don't usually write to update people with my life. In fact, I reckon there is anyone who reads this space anyway. I write to express my emotions, thoughts and imagination. I write stories that happen in our every day life. While some are related to me, some are purely fiction. While some I choose to display to the public eye, some remain hidden and locked. In simple words, I write for myself and not for anyone else.

Life has it's own way of viewing hasn't it? The wild and the tame.

While the wild has been up in a roller coaster ride with each three hundred and sixty degree turning trying to throw me off my feet. I have been successfully keeping both my hands and feet tightly to the handle and ground but there were times I accidentally let go of my hands and got a bump or two on my head with a few bruises here and there. But I know I came out stronger after each ride.

While the tame erm should I say has been tamer then usual. Nothing interesting happens apart from the small hiccups that destroy the reputation of the tamer. Other than that, everything been good.

It's an irony isn't it. The way this whole entire thing works. While my previous entires may have appeared filled with angst and I may come across as bleak and pessimistic, but if one were to look beyond the choice of words, they are actually filled with hope and positiveness. That's why I love to write. Because when I write, I reflect and question certain things in life. That's when I learn to accept the reality and so to come terms with. To face and move forward bravely with no delusional involved. Being sentimental and emotional about many things in life doesn’t mean I’m disillusioned about the future. I should just say I feel more intensively.

And sometimes when you look and read hard enough at one's writing, you will capture the 'truth' in their writing.

2009-01-31T14:36:00.002+08:00

I swear if I don't need the money, I would have just messaged and tell him I want to quit the job.

Expect me to talk to the parents, nevermind I do
Ask me run the centre by myself, nevermind I do
Ask me to plan the curriculum, nevermind I do
Leave me alone, expecting me to handle the walk-in, nevermind I tolerate
Never pay me on time, nevermind I tolerate
Late for my salary by two months each time, nevermind I tolerate

Then message me tell me don't cancel class all the time when he was the one who cancelled last week because of chinese new year, I CANNOT TOLERATE ALREADY.

Freak, I already do so much for a part-timer when the only thing in my job scope is to teach and then you still want to say so much. Boy, you just stepped the limits. And so I replied him "Where got I cancel class? You are the one who cancelled last week not me? If i dont come, I will usually call one! And btw, please write my cheque for the month of Dec and Jan."

Irritating. I am usually calm in situation like this but serious ah, I cant tolerate when people accuse me of something I didnt do. I can't wait to graduate from school and to stop earning peanuts.

2008-12-20T23:46:00.004+08:00

The amount of things you have to think about..
The nitty little details..
The whole big picture plus the whole small picture..
The constant worrying..
The constant panicking..
The constant pressure..
The whole financial issues..
The dateline..
The schedule..
The attendance..

And with all that in your mind..

To be the one doing all the dirty work of scolding and pushing
And yet ensuring that everyone feels good about everything
To try to be nice and get things moving
To assert authority but yet try not appear pushy and bossy
To be the one to always try to keep your emotions intact
To fake a smile even when you're fuming mad
To be open with ideas and listen to everyone else
To soak everyone's anger and sulking
To be the one constantly be aware of everyone's feelings
To take care of everyone else pride and emotions..
And to be the one thinking of everyone else..

So who will think about me?
my emotions and the way I feel?

I swear
We aged not because of our age
But because of the behaviour of the people around us..

~~I'm fucking tired and I'm sorry for the bad word but I can't help it.~~

The driver of my life

2008-10-24T16:38:00.001+08:00

Life has the unforgiving ability to move on in spite of adversity and difficulty, only to leave you high and dry. The time has finally caught up with me and only now I fully realize the magnitude of my predicament.

And I always thought that I had a steady handle on things but truth is, I was never really successful in keeping my emotions in check. It suffocates me when I realized that I have taken the back seat of the passenger side and no longer the driver steering the direction of my life.

Make it work

2008-10-10T21:03:00.003+08:00

It's hard to be happy. It's even harder to pretend to be happy. But it the hardest to be around people you love and pretend that you are happy.

It was like the good old days where I hid in the toilet sobbing my heart out when my emotions got the better of me. For the longest time ever, I stopped doing that because I grew out of it and no matter how pressuring things were, I never once gave in instead I held on and march forward bravely.

But today, I couldn't take it any longer. My heart just sank in despair and I really feel like dying. I just feel like going to the Registration office and shout "I QUIT" but instead, my legs got me to the toilet and there I locked myself up in the cubicle and sob like a broken hearted child who just got spanked.

I thought I long rid of this childish behaviour of crying when I can't get things done. And I hate it that I'm doing it again after so long. I really need to buck up and stop all this -ve thoughts and stay positive. Tiger told me that crying and getting stressed up will not get anything done. But seriously, I can't help it lar and I want to cry my days away.

Can someone come and save me from all this?

2008-09-29T23:00:00.002+08:00

I'm pissed and I'm tired. I don't even feel like going to malaysia much less celebrate or even meet anyone in particular. I feel so messed up and yes, this dry throat and itchy nose is damn irritating me.

Can I just dig a hole and hide myself in there forever?

P.S: Don't come near or even try to talk to me for I have no wish to talk to anyone. Buzz off..

Raya?

2008-09-27T20:17:00.003+08:00

Raya is in like 3 days time and I haven't got any new baju kurung or shoes or anything done in particular.

I will not complain because I chose it to be this way. Somehow buying new clothes and new shoes has lost it's meaning. Don't even talk about not having the time to go shop for them but I don't even think Raya was even supposed to be that way. The only thing is confirm will get nagging from daddy for wanting to wear slippers and old clothes on Raya morning.

I will be out of the country tuesday afternoon once I finish a test in school to go Malaysia and will be back on time for another test in school on thursday. Till then..

P.S: I don't even feel like celebrating and I can forsee this situation happening again for the next 3 years.

2008-09-12T21:11:00.001+08:00

Dear Eden

I have been leading a bustling and fast pacing life that life has been a living nightmare. I get so caught up achieving my own goals, fighting my own bloody war with this world that I hardly remember to live. Truth be told, as much I claim to love studying and going to school, I'm starting to loathe it. And it's an irony because although I am starting to detest it and feel like almost immediately alighting from it, somehow, I'm not pressing any bell and still staying firm on my seat wanting to prove something.

I am scared eden, damn bloody scared to be exact. The last few months, I have been feeling extremely contradicting to the extend of finding my own solace in the form of avoidance. I know it's a selfish and only an act a coward would potray but I can't help it eden. It is the only fastest way I know I can find at peace within me. My own world, my own space and my own time. I know I'm killing my social life but I seriously can't help it and slum myself in this big hole of depression.

And eden, there hasn't been probably a moment in life that I doubt myself because I have always been pretty much sure how I want to lead it. But out of late, I just can't help but ponder over the decisions and choices I have made in the past and now, including tons of 'what ifs', both simultaneously running in my mind.

I'm losing the drive in my life
I'm losing my hope and faith
And I'm losing myself

And although I remind myself of how fragile life can be and how we should always live each day as though it's our last, I am constantly lambasted with the importance of planning ahead. And so when I woke up today and told myself I will be brave to face everything, strangely enough, I don't think I'm allowed to.

My Belo Family

2008-08-10T07:26:00.005+08:00

It has been awhile, hasn't it
Since we all got together
Under the moon, sea and sun.

It was worth it, wasn't it
When we all threw away our pride and face
Running along the coastline
And playing the games
Like some mad prisoners given a day of freedom

It was a blast, no doubt about it
Despite the impromptu "ness"
From the food to the games to the swimming
We shake the whole beach with our shouting

I swear it's been awhile
Since I had so much fun
Since I was under the hot sun
that made me a tan darker

I swear I am grateful
That HE gave me each and single one of you in my life
And I wouldn't want to exchange this for another

My Belo Family
Thank you for making my life as happening as it is
I love each and every single one of you

Goodbye and Hello

2008-08-02T16:57:00.005+08:00

July came and went off without saying goodbye.

August just started and gave a hello and I have been grouchy since then. I think the combination of the heat and the monthly girl's best friend is the main root of the problem. And the intensity level of school starting in a few days time is probably getting to me. It's starting in a bad note; application for bursary rejected(due to some nonsensical screw up), application for electives(extra modules) failed and the whole financial money issue is worrying me. I have about a day to sort this emotions out before the whole school thing starts and I sure do want to start school with a bang because if I dont, the next 13 week will just go downhill from there.

I'll be fine. I know I'll be. Just get rid of the heat and best friend pls go away faster.

Somewhere out there

2008-07-24T00:30:00.005+08:00

It's been a while since my last entry and I wasn't even planning to write about this but it happened anyway.

If we could see the world in the eyes of a child, then we will realise how God made everyone and everything beautiful. And it's the adults that tarnish the beautiful things God created.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale blue night
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
And even though i know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night will start to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky
Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somwhere out there out where dreams come true.

With so much conviction, these kids pulled my heart strings.

When's mummy away

2008-06-13T15:18:00.002+08:00

Oh well,

Mum's away since Monday. She went to help my aunt in Malaysia who just gave birth to a baby boy. And because I'm on sch hols now, the last few days I took over Mummy's role and got myself busy with all the cooking and housework.

The first day was fried kangkong, egg, sweet and sour fishball and rice.
The second day with help from daddy, sambal goreng and rendang
The third day was chicken rice
And today was fried rice

Still left tmr and sunday before mummy comes back. I swear I'm running out of ideas. Probably pasta or spaghetti for tmr. So boring. Lol. I don't ever think I want to be a housewife because other than cooking and all the cleaning there isn't really anything to do. And it's really frustrating when you clean the house nice nice, then there's your siblings who never lend a hand in household chores but just makes a mess out of everything. Irritate the living hell out of me.

Oh well, timetable's out and it's an 8.30am class and ends ard 6.30pm everyday. Hall application is out and oh well, it's unsuccessful. Bad news is I stay in Tampines so that means 2 hrs ride which means I have to wake up 5.30 everyday. I think I will die of exhaustion. And so all the obstacles coming one by one trying to dampen my spirit. I will not give in to this. I shall see how I can tweak my timetable to suit my capability. Oh well, I just need to endure another 2.5 years. It will pass in a flash, I know it will and before I know it, I'll start missing it. So I've got to learn to treasure what I have. =)

Bitter Sweet

2008-06-05T22:18:00.004+08:00

I kept staring at the page and keep refreshing to see if my eyes was playing tricks on me. I was expecting a big red warning at the top of the page stating " You have received an Acadamic Warning" but no, there wasn't. Surprised, I scrolled down further to look at my grades.

Sweet. I never expected to get 2 A's especially for the CPE201. Neither do I expect to pass CPE106(Maths). I'm more than elated, estatic or over-whelmed to be exact. If then in poly, my exam transcript was filled with all the A's, B's and gpa of 3.7, now in Uni it's all the C's, D's with unexpected A's and gpa of 2.67. Although my results pales beyond comparison with my then wonderful results in poly, the sastisfaction I get now is sweeter. Probably because I knew that I worked my ass off just to pass. Probably because I knew I did it all by myself. Probably because my results improved slightly. And probably because I knew I enjoyed this semester more than last sem. And probably because with lower expectations, the sastifaction you get will be greater.

I guess being alone in classes wasn't that bad after all. In fact I gained a lot more. And I still haven't got over that fact that I got an A for CPE201 and a pass for Maths. Syukor.

Yes Tiger, we sure are getting a hang of this.

I just dont

2008-05-30T14:13:00.004+08:00

Seriously, I don't get it with girls having to rely on their boyfriend 24/7.

It's like everywhere they go, they will tell their bf and that is even to the toilet, they will report. Then whatever or wherever they eat, also report and ask permission. I just find it absurb and annoying because come on girl, you definitely have a life to lead and your life is not dependable on him. He is just a bf damn it. Not your husband. And listen, if he controls you now then only god knows what happen in future when he really becomes your husband.

I think everyone is untitled to our own breathing space and privacy, so I can never stand men who control their partners as though they are puppets. And having no respect for a woman is a major turn-off.

And ladies... Common!! Men, marriage, relationship are not everything in life, there are so much more in this life to look forward to. It's really time we stand up and learn to be independent because, look we can never be too dependable on our bf or infact anyone because one day they will just go away.

Even if they don't leave you, they might literally pass on before you.

The Versus of Love

2008-05-27T14:17:00.002+08:00

'Kau ingat kisah Yusof dah Zulaiha? Zulaiha menuduh Yusof memperkosanya padahal dia sendiri yang tidak tahan dengan ketampanan Yusof. Fitnah. It semua fitnah. Zulaiha fitnah Yusof memperkosa dia hingga Yusof dipenjara. Apakah Yusuf memberontak? Tidak Fahri, Yusof tahu Allah sedang bicara sesamanya. Kau mahu tahu apa dikatakannya Fahri? Kau mahu tahu apa yang dikatakannya Fahri?Ya Allah, jika memang kehidupan penjara lebih berakti bagi diriku daripada dunia luar. Maka aku lebih memilih tinggal dipenjara atau dekat dengan mu daripada aku hidup bersama manusia berdusta. Allah sendang berbicara bersamamu tentang sabar dan ikhlas Fahri. Sabar dan ikhlas. Rukun islam.'

'Tidak pernah ada orang minta susah. Tapi ketika kesusahan itu datang ke kita. Apa kita harus marah?Capek sekali hidup kita jadinya. Sebagai muslim, kita tidak boleh menyerah. Allah selalu bersama orang yang berusaha.'

One of the best movies I ever watch which left me with shivers down my spine and tears in my eyes. Beautiful beautiful messages unfold behind the story plot. It's not just a love story between a man and a woman. It's about the love for religion. The love for Islam. The love for God. The love for your love ones. The love for everyone.

'Ikhlas dan sabar, itulah Islam'.

Him

2008-05-09T00:30:00.005+08:00

When I first heard him sing, I instantly fall in love with his natural pure soulful voice. For a tiny winny age of 17, the way he sings, completely got me off my feet.

Young, cute, good-looking, smiley, sexy in a boyish way, good to hear, charismatic, nice to look at and most importantly, humble. Now who can resist this little boy charm. I can't and his performance is the only one I looked forward to every wednesday.

The one and only David Archuleta

Cute right.. Ok the next picture is my favourite pic of all..

Cute. Very Cute with a pinch of hotness. =)

Looking forward to tmr trip to KL.

Downfall

2008-05-06T22:53:00.002+08:00

The downfall of man is woman. And the downfall of woman is greed plus jealousy.

The weather

2008-05-03T20:22:00.002+08:00

The weather is killing me.

I'm already having problems sleeping. My body clock has yet to accept that I can sleep early as there isn't a need to mug anymore. It refuses to sleep anything earlier than 2 am and it's bad cause I need to get rid of the black rings forming around my eyes. Then there's the weather temperature increasing by the day, making it even more impossible to sleep due to the sweating, this despite blasting my fan to full force.

And because it's so hot during the day and night, it makes me feel lazy. Been watching videos like nobody business. I am currently hooked to this korean drama and it's really bad because I can just go on and on and on and on watching it.

You know I also think another reason why I can't sleep is because my room is dirty. As in untidy and disorganized. I'm a clean freak and if there's one place that cannot be messy is my room. I can't sleep if my bed is crumpled. And I can't sleep if my stuff are all over the place. Oh well, I started packing the things in my room slowly today. I have managed to clear the loose papers and throw a lot of unwanted junk. Probably tmr or monday, I will do some wipping and mopping.

For now, I need to get back reading a book I just bought. It's so sad and emotional. I lioke!!

Finally

2008-04-29T14:39:00.004+08:00

And so exams like finally over.. Monday morning paper was do-able. The afternoon one(happen to be my better subject) was a disaster. Oh well, the blowing hot and cool atmosphere plus the overloading of information in my brain was enough to end the day nursing a headache. And I woke up not feeling too well today. I think my body need a break..

And so the hols are here and below are how I want to spend my holiday:

1) Get a new handphone
2) Read a sad book and cry my heart out
3) Cut my freezy and dry hair
4) Go on a short holiday
5) Catch up on my beauty sleep and rid of my dark rings under my eye
6) Fix a dental appointment for my teeth
7) See a demertologist, my face is breaking out into pimples
8) Shopping, I need new clothes
9) Meet up with long time friends because I miss them alot
10) Watch Videos like mad
11) Watch TV shows like mad
12) Dance around, ok probably not..
13) Organize an outing for family and relatives, it's been way too long
14) Prepare for brother's and cousin's wedding gift
15) Catch a movie, it's been ages
16) Slack around
17) Be a couch potato for a day
18) Clean my room because it's packed with dust and books
19) Clean my house
20) WORK and get money

There you go... For today, I'll settle with number 16, 17 and 10, by slacking around and being couch potato while watching videos.. Toddles..

1 more day

2008-04-27T00:03:00.004+08:00

Yup, one more day to suffer before I'm free.. Been studying really hard.. Hopefully, the last two would end on a happier note.

Aside from that, there's this irritating bugger whom I dislike in school. He was my groupmate for one of my projects and boy he really irritates the hell out of me. I really can't stand his cheeky smile or stupid comments or pretending to be 'mrniceguywhoispureandholy' when he's not. I am always sarcastic and avoid him as much as possible because I'm not interested in making friends or talking to him. But he still talks when I ignore him and tell me whatever problems he has about his family when I'm the least interested to know. And today, to add on the list of things I hate about him, he had to send me a stupid email which has a question in it. And guess what was the question??

It was "Do you think love is blind?".. He even signed off saying he really wants to know my answer. WTF.. If I have a firecracker in my hands right now, I will light it and shove it down his mouth.. Irritating pest.

And no of course I didn't reply.

2 more

2008-04-24T20:43:00.003+08:00

1st question... *flips paper*
2nd question... *flips paper*
3rd question... *flips paper*
4th question... *panick*

I'm so getting use leaving big empty spaces on my exam scripts.. Like always, I was scribbling every single formulae I can remember on that yellow booklet. Worst, I have no idea what I was writing about.

Maths and me, boy we are two worlds apart.. Like ice-cream and onions, they don't taste good together. It's the same, we just don't go the same way neither do we click. Gut feeling telling me I will get my first 'F' after a long time. oh well, 2 more on the monday and I'm done with the torture.

Everyone say they are proud of me when I manage to pass. If I don't would everyone still be?

Random

2008-04-23T16:25:00.004+08:00

I realized the best way to destress yourself(other than crying) is to write. I have been writing a lot lately although many of it remain as draft.

If my head explodes now, it will be filled with all the juicy information I have been trying to cramp for tmr's paper.

I thought this sem I could do better because I have been attentively spacing out my time and managing it pretty well that I managed to revise every subject every week. Well I thought not, because when last monday came, I went blank and whatever I wrote on that booklet was crap.

Tmr is the killer one. I know I will be panicking and trembling in fear when the paper comes. And there might be a possibility, I will be writing some crap for 2 hrs. There's a lot of concepts that I'm not sure and the probability of failing is high. I have no wish to fail but seriously there's nothing much I can do about it except try my damn best which somehow isn't enough. I'm feeling like crap and I hate feeling like crap.

I am worried that I might have to retake every subject this sem.

When it revolves

2008-04-21T21:04:00.006+08:00

When your life revolves around a person
You built your entire world around him
You gave your heart, your soul, your money, your everything
in exchange to be with him

Your pillar of strength and source of happiness comes from him
Your direction of life and dreams changes with him
Your faith lingers around him
Suddenly you become his shadow and he becomes your body

Everything will seem perfect..
But when something goes wrong..
Like suddenly he drops out of the picture
Your whole life comes tumbling down faster than the way you built it..
Your entire faith crashes and you lose your direction..
Suddenly you don't know the person you are
You mob in despair thinking that the whole world is against you
And nobody else cares...

Dreams

2008-04-17T17:21:00.002+08:00

I want to see the nigara falls, I want to climb the effiel tower, I want to swim in the ocean of maldives, I want to see the cherry blossoms in Japan, I want to see the wonderful scenaries and culture of other people in the world. I want to travel the world and snap beautiful pictures and experience the rich culture.

I may be simple as in I dont lavish in all those branded goods, decorate myself in those jewels and dimes but I do admit I am ambitious. I have many dreams and goals I want to achieve but obviously the two things not helping me of course financially I can't cope and time wise, I'm screwed. It's scary how a thousand and one things there are to do but time is passing way too fast for the number of things I want to do. With my own means and effort, I always wanted to:

1) Travel around the world and experience the rich culture and beautiful scenarie
2) Bring my parents to an all paid expenses trip to a country of their choice
3) Learn the piano
4) Study in university and graduate with a degree
5) To open my very own cafe
6) To be a lecturer

Number 4 and Number 6 are pretty much near my grasp. It's a mile away and I just have to work my ass towards that direction. As for the rest, it's put on hold. But I made a pact to myself. A pact that I have to fufill them before I depart from this world. People may say it's too early to think about death now. I say it's never too early. You never know when it comes, so best is to live life to the fullest. And to me is all about having those goals and going about achieving them. Well, if I do depart before achieving them, I know I tried and worked towards them.

But hor for now, maybe after exams, I need to conquer vivocity(I haven't been there before) and get a new handphone(my hp is dead) before I can start day dreaming about other things.

The hell period has come. I have resigned to fate and I am just trying my best. I know I have studied hard and if that doesn't make me pass my subjects there's nothing I can do except retake the papers.

Project Bitch

2008-04-09T20:23:00.002+08:00

"Attitude determines altitude."- Zig Ziglar

Yes, I can be quite a bitch when it comes to projects. I will not tolerate anything less than near perfection when it comes to projects especially when it comes to report.

Reports are really important part of the project because I believe no matter how great or good your project can be but if you fail to write a good report to convience people about the project, the project is as good as a failure. And so when my groupmates work fail me, I will personally get it to be redone or I will personally change the quality of work. Yes, I will whine, bitch, be sarcastic and they may hate me. But for all I care, I'm doing it for the benefit of the group.

And so when my group leader for this particular project fail to lead because he is such a kind soul and wishes not to push anyone, I took the lead of the project and demanded datelines for each individual sections and self-volunteered to be the group's editor. I remembered scrambling through everyone's work for two nights with the help of my cousin to collate and edit the report. I remembered how I just broke into anger and started being a bitch to this particular one from my group because even as the dateline was less than a day away, he had yet to hand in his section.

But I guess being a bitch paid off because when I went to collect the report. I was greeted with a sweet grade and comments on the report cover.

Dear All,
1. The greatest strength of the report are :
a) Strong language skills (clear, coherent and accurate)
b) Systematic and well-organized
2. Your report is also consistent from beginning to end(follows the objective + scope)
3. Your reference list is correct
4. However two areas that needs improvement are:
a) Your report has included information that should only appear in a proposal
b) You neglected to report the results of the interview - or at least a summary of it.

Overall, you guys have written a report that is a PLEASURE to read.

Haryana for your presentation, you gave a good acknowledgement of staff who helped you. You gave a good summary at the end. Nice body posture, very calm and poised. Lastly, you have a very nice voice tone and volume.

With that, I got an A- for my individual abstract and the group report. A for my individual presentation. It's been a while since I saw the grade A appearing on my papers. I just hope overall for this subject, it's an A.

Triviality

2008-03-31T23:22:00.003+08:00

"Hold your head high and hold firm the great qualities you have and of these you have a great many and look down on those people who are shackled and bound to their triviality"

I can never understand and never will I understand. I know, triviality will never go away and people will always be looks oriented to a certain extent. But it saddens me when I see those closest to me shacked and bounded to their triviality. Mere prettiness is cheap, beauty is sacred, so much so that it remains unseen in this drab, dreary and ugly world.

"You know what sir, I seriously dont care. The only reason why I am giving you face is because your an elder and I just had to. I'm long over getting hurt over what comes out of your mouth because despite being of age, you fail as one"

CPE 106

2008-03-23T01:24:00.003+08:00

There's something in me telling me I might seriously flunk this particular subject. NO amount of night-classes or revision would be able to make me smoke through this subject in 4 weeks, with a 8/15 mark for my mid-term test unless of course I score exceptionally well for my final paper. Which in all likehood, the probability of that happening is very low because I'm am seriously week in my integration and whatever engineering maths require.

However, I am being very positive and will do my utmost best to try and pass it but if I do fail, I'm going to prepare myself for it.

It's 4 weeks before the exams starts strolling in and I'm already at my 4th gear but somehow I'm not all geared up.

Attitude

2008-03-01T12:29:00.005+08:00

'Words can never adequately convey the incredible impact of our attitude toward life. The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10 percent what happens to us and 90 percent how we respond to it.
I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitude is right, there's no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.' - Charles Swindoll-

You know, I know. Thank you =)

Pressure

2008-02-24T23:56:00.002+08:00

I'm currently tied down by the following commitments:

Technical Communication
- Experimental Report due on 17/03/08
- Abstract Writing due on 18/03/08
- Formal Presentation on 31/03/08

Data Structure
- Assignment 5 and Report due on 5/03/08
- Lab Test on 12/03/08
- Assignment 7 and Report due on 26/03/07
- Assignment 8 and Report due on 02/04/07
- Lab Test on 9/04/08

Mathematics II
- Test on 7/03/08

Digital Cct and System
- Tutorial 6 due on the 12/03/08
- Tutorial 9 due on 26/03/08
- Tutorial 11 due on 09/04/08
- Tutorial 13 due on 23/04/08
- Experiment 5 and Report due on 11/04/08

Microprocessor
- Quiz 3 on 14/03/08
- Quiz 4 on 24/03/08
- Quiz 5 on 11/04/08

I'm not kidding when I say I'm really tied down by school. Tell me how not to feel pressure with the amount of assignments I have on hand. I seriously think they are trying to kill all of us. Hah. Computer Engineering Students = 24 hrs of sch = no life = no weekends = no holidays. I'm trying my best to keep my mind and emotions calm because I know I can lose it anytime. I never would have thought, getting a degree was this tough and having to sacrific almost everything.

It's a battle, a battle that I'm left all by myself to figure it out. A battle to fight in the honour of my future, a battle to fight for my life. I will fight till the end and I will fight through everything till the last ounce of my breath and strength.

Missing in action...

2008-02-06T23:46:00.000+08:00

Out of late, my different clique's of frens has been msging me, planning to go out.

I have been issued a warning that it's been way too long since I am ard. And I got nothing but agree to that. Sch's workload is a torture that I barely have time for myself to rest much less go out.

Even my weekends are burn doing assignments and studying. This is what happens when you are not smart, so you got to sacrific certain things like your social life to make up for your lack of intelligence and spend that time mugging.

Sch's crazy and I'm just going through it day by day. Everyone's chasing for that grade. And i feel that all that chasing and mind grilling of getting A's has somewhat killed the education system. Studying has now become rather rigid. It's no longer about understanding but rather get it into your brain and accept it cause if you don't you will fail.

Everyone in school is pressured and everywhere I walk, I see solemn, sad and worried people.
I always have to remind others that "It's not that we are totally stupid. If we are, we won't be able to come to this level. It's just that we are the average among the smartest."

Gosh, now I know how horrible I look like when I was in poly walking around with that horrible disgusting pressured face most of the time. And how hard it is for my frens to always try to keep my spirits up when I'm pressured..

Must be karma..

No more everyone...

2008-01-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

My heart is racing...

I'm pretty nervous for tmr...

Sch's starting and this time I'll be alone for classes...

Yup, no more familiar faces, no more angeline and steven to be ard me...

It's an independent class and it's me against myself...

I dont know how it will turn out to be or what effect this decision that I took will have on me..

But I sure hope I can make some nice friends and do well this semester...

Oh well...I need catch some sleep cuz tmr it's an early class..

Wish myself luck... =)

As the year ends

2007-12-31T00:08:00.000+08:00

2007 for me was learning or dealing out of my personal growth. Transitioning from who i was before and into a new person or rather at least wanting to become a new person. And I think I have changed, changed to become someone who is more comfortable of herself, outspoken and verbal.

I was this person who hid behind a shell, who refuses to express or let my feeling known. Each time someone ask me for a favour, and even when I dont feel like doing, I will just go yes or sure. It becomes so routine that I felt everyone around me took me for granted which caused me to get upset, miserable and overly sensitive easily.

I hated the person who I was becoming. The person who wears a false smile every single day, who failed to find the guts and drifts along from day to day. I just got so sick of everything that I soon began to realise that a lot of times we do so many things out of love for other people that sometimes we forget about ourself and the love we need to get to us. It boils down to a point where you have to realise what's good for yourself and whats not and sometimes you just have to say no.

It is always good to make people want to be happy but at the same time you cant overdo it. You got to learn to please yourself before you start pleasing others. You got to learn to love yourself before you learn to love others. And even if everyone in the world gives up on you the one person who should never is yourself.. Bottom line is you got to start with yourself and if you cant even help yourself, who else can?

Despite the long bumpy ride, 2007 has been amazing. I discovered what I want to be, to learn to take away my expectations, throw away any limits, be proud of what I have achieved and become way more true and honest to myself and people around me. I discovered a personal bond with my love ones and my life can never be more than perfect. And I know despite whatever obstacles and struggles the future may be installed for me, with the love I have for myself and the love that is around me, I'm ready to take them all..

"The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life".. I love my belo family..

My crazy cousins..My pillars of strength and source of comfort..They have always been there and I know they will always be..

The boys(now grown men) that light up my life and changed my perception of men. It was by pure chance of fate that I got close to them and I thank god for that.. And even though I dont meet them that often, I care for each of them and they hold a special place in my heart. And I mean it when I say that because not many men have the privilage to be in my heart. heh

My princesses who made my poly days filled with so much joy and happiness.. Poly would never been the same without them and although we are all busy leading with our own lives now, my love for them has and will never changed..

Time isn't what makes a friendship last. It's devotion and love that keeps the tie between souls. True frens never part, maybe in the distance but not in the heart. That what these two angels are, the friendship that we share since secondary school is amazing and beautiful because even though we rarely meet but when we do, we can pick up from where we left..

There are always reasons why god bring people to your life. And for whatever reasons god had, I'm glad he brought this two makciks into my life. I don't even know where or when or even how it all started. But I am thankful that it did..

Uni life has been a killer experience. This bunch of crazy people made it a whole load easier and am thankful I have them around me. Always guiding, teaching and giving me support me whenever I need.

Last but not least is my dearest cousin. My life would never be complete without her. She who understands me inside out. She who can finish my sentence and who can read my mind. It is her who I trust my entire life with. My best friend, my sister, my everything..

And with much love, I end 2007 with this chapter closed...

When it's finally out...

2007-12-28T12:19:00.000+08:00

"Considering the number of obstacles you had to overcome and how certain you were at some parts that you were going to fail..I'm proud of you. It's only the first sem and now that you've settled dowm and learned a trick or two. Make a comeback next sem. Next sem, it's us against ourself since it's an independent class. We can do better..."

And so, I've been waiting for this day..

It was like a big burden weighing over my shoulders for the last 4 weeks. Not a single day I stopped thinking about it and maybe that's the cause of my inability to sleep at night and the none stop wanting to work to occupy my mind...

So my results are finally out and just as I expected, if I didn't fail, I did pretty bad..
Never once in poly my results are this bad with two c's on the examination slip.
But I am thankful to god that I didn't fail any subjects..

Well, ppl say there's a first in everything. So this is my first in getting bad results but I will try not to make it everytime. If this semester I studied god damn hard, next semester will be extra god damn hard..

And next semester, I have chosen not to follow my classmates route and plan my own timetable suitable for myself. So, I'll be all alone with soon to be new classmates.. Hopefully, everything will turn out well... In the meantime ppl, I'm going to try enjoy the last of my school holidays...

This is just a start and not the end...I will fight till the end even if it means getting myself stabbed along the way...

The part where I go HAHA

2007-12-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

One of my student, dedicated this current aaron carter song that is playing to me... And that makes me go HAHA....

Thinking about what he said, makes me even go a BIG HAHA...

It's so secondary school days....

Shenmue Reflections

2007-11-30T23:59:00.001+08:00

I have always wanted to play the piano since I was a little girl.

To me, it's one of the most beautiful instrument ever created. Behind each keys lies a melody. Behind each melody lies a story that paints a thousand emotions. I always get pretty emotional whenever I hear a soothing and slow piece being played on the piano.

Someday, when I have saved enough, I'm going to sign myself up for piano lessons. For now, enjoy listening to one of my favourite piano piece...

Everyone has their own intepretation of each melody. So what's yours?

Sometimes you just get too caught up with the things around you that you forget that there are others who suffered a worst fate than yourself.

When reality strucks, it's finally over..

2007-11-29T00:43:00.001+08:00

"You know you can't regret because you did give your best. So stop being too hard on yourself and take a breather"

The last few days was pure maddness.. All the late nights and hours of mad studying was just crazy...

The last two paper was the killer of all and just like the other papers, I couldn't do it. But this time, I blew it pretty badly... There wasn't a single question in the paper that I knew how to do and I really don't know how to describe the emotions I was going through when I saw the paper...

I feel frustrated and angry because it is not as though I was slacking around and only started doing revision last min. I feel sad because it wasn't as though I didn't give my best. The fact was I gave my god damn best, sacrifice whatever time I had by studying and I started even way way before exams and that wasn't good enough.

I dont know what to make out of how I feel. I seriously don't...

2 down, 2 more to go

2007-11-19T23:05:00.000+08:00

Boy, I am so getting use to not being able to answer exam questions... In fact, last time I would get really pissed, angry and sad...

I think I'm learning to take things lightly now...

I hate to say this but I think I'm getting really sick of studying. I'm tired and I can't wait for exams to be over...

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation...

2 years has been a while baby..

2007-11-15T10:52:00.000+08:00

2 years to be extact since i last took an examination. The atmosphere of my room was like back in those days I was mugging for exams in poly...It's been a while but this time the feeling is different.

If back then, I came to school equipped with just a pencil box and knowledge all at my finger tips. This time I was going through my notes on the train ride to school and up till the last hr before the paper. Only then I started stoning and panicking...

My heart was beating way faster than it should and I was sweating my guts out. If back then, I came out of the examination knowing I will pass and ace the paper. This time was different..hah

Question 1 - 30 marks, *singing* "fly fly fly the butterfly.." Gone like the wind...Totally didnt understand what the question was asking for...
Question 2 - 15 marks, thank god I knew how to answer this question
Question 3 & 4 - 25 marks, I tried my best and wrote whatever i could remember

The moral of the story is, we all had it too easy in poly. Seriously, back then all you need to do is study hard, do the past year paper. Then you roughly know the format of the exam and what will come out and confirm plus guarranted you will ace the paper.

This time yes we know it's coming but the structure of the question requires more than just planting the formulae or concepts, it requires some thinking out of the box. So there you go, my mentor says if you are able to do half of the exam paper is considered good enuff. *faints*. This only means the exam paper is really tough.

If then we only had about 12 chapters or less to study for our final exams. Now its like double the amount plus lesser time. Now tell me, which fool who has no basic background at all, can learn and remember 23 chapters of concepts and diagrams in less than 3 mths? If there is, then I say that fool is a freak.

If before in poly, I was aiming for A's and nothing less. Now, I am only aiming for a pass. Nothing more, just a pass and a degree, I will be contented. I dont need any first class honours or anything. All I want is a degree and not get kicked out of school for failing exams.

P.S: All my uni frens who are from poly are having the same problem like me. A pass and nothing more.

Everyone needs a stranger to release all their pain and sorrow

2007-11-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

I have never been someone who regret over my actions or decisions. In everything I do, I will consider the pros and cons and will think hard enough..

But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I made the right decision to go back studying. If back then, it was so easy to focus, somehow it seems different now. Maybe I'm getting older and my brain is catching up on me. Working hard somehow doesnt seem to work and I'm really at lost to what I am suppose to do.

Exams are around the corner and I'm not confident of passing. (Please dont give me comforting remarks like I can do it because I'm sick of those). It's scary and although I always say it's fine if I fail, but I know myself better. I hate failure and rejection but even so, I know I will get through this...

Who will be my stranger?

The part I'm learning

2007-09-15T09:37:00.001+08:00

It's been a month plus...

Along the way, many things has happen.

School
I have always been a fan of studying and I love to study. That's the reason why I continued. I have always been a slow learner since young and the only reason I got to where I am was because I work my heart out.

I knew it would be difficult but didn't expect it to be this difficult. If I want to compare, I must say, poly was way easier. The environment here is so different and the jump is really huge. There's no room for slow learners. You got to learn to pick things fast and efficiently. And if you don't, you will fail.

I think I've been sacrificing my whatever time in studying and somehow I'm really exhausted. It's been months since I last came out and have a day of fun, joy of laughter. I still love studying but I just dont like the system. If going to school then was really learning new stuff, now, going to school means you got to know everything first and you go for lessons to revise the topic before you take the exam.

I am not going to lie and say I'm doing perfectly fine, because I am struggling to keep up with the pace. 2 years of not studying made my mind rusty. And being a pure IT student, suddenly being dump with engineering stuff and expected to pick up right away didnt help one bit. But I am learning new stuff everyday and I am going to try to enjoy this learning process...
And if some think I hate studying now, I say, I still like it althought my liking has dropped by a bit.

You took the last straw of hope I had in you. You were everything I believe, respected and trusted. When others put you down, I did everything I could to speak up for you because I thought you weren't what they said. But you had to rob my believe and faith. Time again I gave you the chance in hope things will be better, time again you dissapoint me. I'm tired of pretending it's fine when it's not.

When nothing seems right

2007-08-26T21:37:00.000+08:00

I am super dead..

I can't seem to understand anything and can't seem to get anything right. I am feeling very scared. I never feel like this before, even taking exams in poly didn't feel like this.

Been studying everyday without fail.. To and fro from school, during breaks, at night but somehow, I can't seem to do anything. I am super screwed and I have this feeling I might just flunk all my subjects..

Everyone telling me to relax and not to worry too much. But I can't help but worry. Seriously, it's just so different. Here, they just throw you the things and expect you to pick up almost immediately. I am super screwed...

Updates

2007-08-09T01:16:00.000+08:00

What happens when you put men together? They become boys. What happens when you put boys in a space with loud music? Hell break loose.

Last Friday was near life and death experience for me. I went there solely for two purpose, to watch the live band and enjoy the music. But I got more than I bargain for. Watching and being in a mosh pit are indeed two separate things. If looking doesn't seems scary, wait till when you’re in it. That five minute in there was one of the most terrifying and memorable experience in my 22 years of living. With all that pushing, all that punching and all that squashing, I really thought, I wld never get out of it and suffocate to death. It was seriously terrifying and even as I typed this I can remember every single moment. I really wonder why on earth wld people do that because seriously speaking, I dont find any of those things fun. How fun can hurting yourself be?
And the most funniest thing was, I wasn't even planning to be in it and didn't even know I wld be in it, I just happen to got into it. Looking back, it was indeed an experience. It's something I know, no matter how much I try, I will never forget. It was my first and I swear it will be my last.

July was a crazy one. With all that was happening, looking back I really wonder how I survived through it.

August has finally arrived and school has started. The first day was mad. Getting lost and late for lecture was one thing. Falling in front of everyone while climbing up the stairs was pretty embarrassing. Three words to summarize my first three days: Tired, Sweaty and Stressful.

Tired simply because it’s a two hours ride from home to school and there are three days my classes start at 8.30am.
Sweaty because the campus is super big so subjects are held at different lectures in which we often have troubles finding because it’s really spread far. And all that climbing up and down the stairs to get our desired location isn’t helping.
Stressful because the subjects are pretty tough and I must say, I am pretty nervous and scared that I can’t cope. It's only the first week and exam timetable are already out. I'm praying for the best and I’m just glad that there are some familiar faces around. So I guess that is going to help by a bit.

Oh well, till then… I will leave you with a short clip of my boys…I forgot to add that when you put boys together, sometimes they let their feminine side get the better of them...

Sad World

2007-07-01T22:26:00.000+08:00

It's a sad sad world out there...
I am disapointed on the reality of the situation...
But I know I will survive through this...

Transformers was superb...Two thumbs plus all my other eight fingers and ten toes up for the movie..It's really good that I can go another round.. Optimus is so beautiful and erm..hot....hah...

I have been working like mad and been getting loads of job offer lately... Holding a full time job(in which i will be converted to a part-time on Monday) plus my two other part-time job is crazy.. I have been working everyday since last week started. My mum is starting to nag for not resting and I am getting tired....

What if one day you find out that you have to adopt your bestfriend child because she is dying.. And the father of the child is your financee? What will you do?

Chalet

2007-06-18T23:29:00.000+08:00

Chalet was superb.

The endless stock of food, the bbq, the endless supply of blueberry drink, the 3 am swimming, the all night talking, the partying, the dancing, the great music, the games, the craziness, the mummies, the daddies, the cuzzins, the great company, the belo family...

Now tell me how can I not love each and everyone one of them? I love my family lots. <3